I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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