Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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