omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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