Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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