Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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