he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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