And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
