We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
