Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
