grandma shit on top of the toilet
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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