Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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