I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
