I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
