remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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