so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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