Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
