I'm pants shitting drunk right now
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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