Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
