Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
