what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
