I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
