that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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