I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
