Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
