My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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