Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
