I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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