He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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