She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
