I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
