my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
