My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
