I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
