Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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