an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
