i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
