dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
