that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
