if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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