You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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