I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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