At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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