I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
