I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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