I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
