I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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