I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
