I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
