the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
