I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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