I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize