This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
