Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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