he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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