OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
