Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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