i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
