went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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