I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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