my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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