i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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