i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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