Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
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