The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
