Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
